Sometimes I twist myself up in knots because I know there's so much I'm capable of doing and yet I have trouble getting off my ass and DOING it.
Sometimes I think I've spent too much of my life with my nose in a book and I've missed something... Something that would make being with people and feeling like I belong even a possibility. I'm good at first impressions, I can be charming and kind and friendly and flirtatious... But I have trouble keeping it up. Maybe its just that at the moment I'm forced to study and eat and live with a bunch of people I wouldn't otherwise associate with.
In years of traveling and moving from one school/city/country to the next I've gotten far too good at letting go. Letting go of stuff I don't mind, chucking stuff out can be cathartic. Its the letting go of people that worries me. I'm not usually good at keeping in touch with people after I leave a place. I just... let them go. All the same, there are some I can still call, after a year or so and know I'll be able to crash on their couch or sit down over coffee and talk for hours with ease... Maybe I just let go of the ones that don't make the grade. i don't know. But I don't fit easily into any of the groups of people at school. I get along with everyone OK, but there's the group of hot blondes who laugh at everything and I never seem to get the joke (I'm beginning to think there isn't one, they just laugh lots to look cute and disguise their complete lack of intelligence), there's the group of average people that I can have a laugh with and who ask me the answers to all the assignments (I don't mind helping, but for fucks sake I don't ask to cheat off your papers, why would you ask to copy mine?? Sorry, pet peeve there.) And there's the one or two girls who spend all their available time getting drunk and secluding themselves in their rooms with their boyfriends. All of these people will bitch constantly behind each others backs when given the chance, and that's something I've tried so hard not to give in to. I don't see the point. If I have a problem with some one, I work it out with them. telling everyone else I have a problem isn't going to fix it.
Oh shit, that's what I'm doing now, isn't it? Whoops. Though, it is kinda therapeutic, I'll give it that.
Sigh. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it feels a whole lot like being in high school- being surrounded by people and yet feeling alone and like you didn't really know who you were supposed to be... i don't want to blunt who I am by trying to fit in, but damn it's lonely being me in a crowd of people who still want to be carbon copies of each other.
Guess I'm still trying to find the place in the world where I fit.
Home can be such a foreign concept.
On a lighter, but possibly more frightening note, people are making rude jokes about me today. Apparently I look like a rape victim. Damn bruises! Have been asked by all three of the hostel supervisors if everything is ok, have I been in a fight? Oh my God! What HAPPENED?!