Nov 13

So, Today was my riding assessment. Re assessment. Whatever.
I've improved beyond belief this week. I really have. But I am such a fucking pussy! I want to beat myself over the head with a rock. Or hit something. I am so frustrated. So angry at myself. I know I have fuck all experience, but confidence is the ONLY reason I failed today. I asked Kevin what I could improve on and he said my position is really good, my seat is excellent, I ride the horse really well. I failed because I psyched myself out. That's all.

Which is maybe really good, it means I CAN do it. I am capable. But at the same time it makes me SO DAMN ANGRY! All I had to do was DO it and I was too chicken shit.

How do you get brave? How does it work? I want to ENJOY this. I do enjoy the jumping bit, once I actually get over myself and do it. And I did have a bunch of small brave moments today. Nearly vomited while warming up. Made myself do the practice fence in cross country anyway. I get so scared before I start. I don't know what it is that scares me, only that actually pointing the horse at the jump is the scariest thing in the world and it is SO hard to make myself do it. Had to keep going cos I knew if I stopped I'd never get started again. But I MADE Tom jump the first part of the combination after he ran out and took out the jump stand with my knee. Ouch! Made myself jump the roll top for the first time. And again. And the Pallisade, after Tom refused. Jumped the drop for the first time, and then staying on and getting back under control over the rough ground afterwards, bringing him back and jumping the last two fences. My hands didn't stop shaking until 1800. That's three hours after I got off the horse.

I guess in the end, it's not my fault I have so little experience. And I have tried my heart out this week. But I am such chicken shit and I hate hate HATE it!

So I sat on the floor of my shower and cried with frustration, and laughed at myself at the same time for being so pathetic. And I want to smack the shit out of something. Why are emotions so confusing? Could I not just have one at a time??

And now I'm going to eat chocolate and drink and hope I feel better soon. My whole body aches. My left knee is still hugely swollen, I ripped the skin off the inside of it when I fell yesterday. I have bruises all up and down my arms. I still can't sit comfortably on my right ass cheek. My right knee is still swelling up after I took the jump stand out with my kneecap this morning, all the muscles in my shoulders and back and neck are tight and sore, pretty sure I got whiplash from falling off Thursday.

Yeah, I feel like I tried DAMN hard. Just not hard enough.